i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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