I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
