Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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