The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
