I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
