Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
