It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
