i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
