Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
