Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
