u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
