Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
