I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
