you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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