Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
