I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
