Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
