I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
