Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
