Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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