Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
