Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
pray to the hookup gods
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