theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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