I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
