After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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