News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
