I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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