The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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