Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
