woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
