10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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