Soap is not a condiment
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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