I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
