1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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