i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
