Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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