Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
