She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
