Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I will be naked everywhere
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
