Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
