there's paper in my vomit.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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