On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
