I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
