and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
