There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize