The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
