Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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