My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
