My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The best revenge is premature balding
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
