I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
