I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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