Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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