And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
