You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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