i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
