That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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