I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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