My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
